Having spent the last 20 years in Southern California, I am well versed on uptalk. That is to say that I am aware of it, and hear it often, but that I refuse to speak it, as my innocuous Connecticut-bred syntax forbids it. Those in other parts of the country might recognize uptalk by its more common name, “Valley Girl.”
Being 19 years old when I arrived here, and being a rapidly adaptable animal, I divined from the basal ganglia of my reptilian brain that uptalk was a sign of lower intelligence in California girls, typically blondes, suggesting that it would take significantly less effort to um…”acquire” them. And like hounds that can follow a three day old scent to their prey, my ear became tuned to carve out female uptalk from within a crowded, cacophonous club. Unfortunately, I’m only into brunettes, so this newly developed Darwinian advantage was entirely useless to me.
Many years have passed, and uptalk has become just white noise in the background of banal conversation, but I noticed about a week ago that an intelligent caller to The Peter Schiff show was laying out a respectable argument when my brain, not used to hearing it from men, shocked me into noticing that he was using uptalk. I started focusing on his sentence verbalization and was horrified that every rational sentence he uttered ended with a period but sounded like a question, devastating the delivery of his intelligence.
For an example of Uptalk? simply listen to the girl speaking on the video of my previous post? Angrywoodchuck’s Selfie?
Like Day of the Dead, 28 Days Later and The Walking Dead, we must prevent this infection from leaving Southern California at all costs. Uptalk must not be permitted to leave the clubs, beaches, gyms, retail stores at the mall and Venice Beach. Do not allow yourself to be infected with this mentally crippling, career limiting, and socially pigeon-holing affliction.